It all started with a question. Not a simple question, but asked simply all the same. "What do you believe in?" From that conversation, I started really examining my beliefs-- something I hadn't done since I was a teenager.
The funny thing is, I wasn't the recipient of the question. My best friend was visiting over the winter holidays, and we often stay up late having heart-to-heart talks when he visits. He said something off-handed in passing that made me stop and ask, "What do you believe in?" at 3am. I had a hunch, but had never had this conversation with him outright. I let him talk, and we shared some experiences, but I never talked about my own beliefs. The reason for that... is I didn't know what I believed in.
I was raised in a Catholic family but from a very young age, I never felt that was right. I'd have conversations with my father when I was five, seven, ten years old about reincarnation, about goddesses, about finding our own path. My father was Catholic in name and heritage, but we never went to church; I have my suspicions that his true beliefs lay elsewhere. I have nothing but my young conversations with him to support this belief, but this is my story, not his.
My own story about my Catholicism is long and complicated, but it boils down to this: for years, for most of my childhood, I knew I had no faith in God, Jesus, the Catholic Church. But I tried to be Good; I dragged my family to church, volunteered for church activities, was a model Catholic in my actions. I believed that if I was Good Enough, I would find that faith. I never did. When I was fifteen, my dad died. Shortly after, I made Confirmation in the church (where you're seen as an adult in the eyes of the Catholic Church), and accepted, finally, that I had no belief in it. The day I was confirmed as a Catholic was the day I walked out of the church and never looked back.
From that point on, I tried different religions. I admired the rituals of the Catholic masses, and longed for the community our little church gave us. I attended a Baptist church for a few years, and again loved the community but the faith didn't stick. I looked into Buddhism for years, but never got further than adapting some philosophies to help me grow as a better person. Through a friend in my feminist group, I attended my college's Wicca group for the winter solstice, but didn't click with them like I expected. As a literature major, I studied Arthuriana and Greek mythology and was more drawn to these "legends" than anything else I'd encountered. Feeling I'd be laughed at for expressing that, I pushed it away. (My lifelong interest in Arthuriana could be a whole other blog post. Probably will be.)
For over ten years, I convinced myself that I was an atheist. I was an atheist. I had no belief, and that's just how it was. I believed (and still do) in being a good person, not to be Good for faith but because you just should be. I've tried to be the best person I can be, and I'm always trying to better myself. Everyone's a work in progress, but if I can make the world and my friends' lives a little bit better than not, then I've done my part. I don't need eternal damnation or salvation or the promise of reincarnation into a better life to make me be good. That's what I believed in. This is still what I believe in.
"What do you believe in?" I asked my friend, and I listened, and I thought, and I grew the spark that I had been suppressing my entire life. I believe in nature and spirit and energy that we can't even begin to imagine. I believe in the universe constantly surprising us, because there's absolutely no way for us to know everything that it holds. I believe in putting good out into the world, and I believe that that good will come back to you when you need it. I believe in balance, in making changes, in doing the right thing because it's right.
I believe in witchcraft. This is my walk along the witch's path, a path I've stepped on and off many times before now but am now wandering down deliberately. It's my journey, but I invite you to walk alongside me, at least for a little while, as I explore it.
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