This mind was made for wandering...

A few weeks ago, I sat down to write a blog post about Arthuriana. I got a line and a half in, and I expect that post will be written eventually, but this night, instead, I went on a journey.

Recently, I bought some plants. I wanted some kitchen herbs because I thought they'd look nice in the windowsill (the kitchen window is the only one the cats can't get to), plants are familiar territory for me to explore witchy uses of herbs, and maybe it might motivate me to cook. Side note: nope, I don't cook. I used to bake, but even now that's a rarity. I have an aversion to spending time in the kitchen thanks to a prior abusive living situation, and I'm working through it... hence the plants. But, it's quarantine and still not many places are open, plus it's late in the season now for a lot of nurseries. So, I went to my friendly neighborhood Lowe's (they're not actually in my neighborhood, but my work's neighborhood) and bought some herbs: basil, sage, thyme, and mint.

They're all diseased. Every single one of them. An incurable disease, and I'm rather upset about it. But this isn't about them.

That evening, I had a monthly book club meeting and while I won't name what book we were discussing (none of us were much of a fan), it did inspire a lot of us to get in the spirit to write again. I've had a story in my head for years that I want to write and explore; I actually think it would work well as a visual novel but I have to get it out on paper first. The problem is, I've been thinking on this story for years, and I have a lot of it planned out, but... I've never found a name that fit the main character. So I sat down on the couch, intending to write a blog post (hello!), but couldn't stop thinking about this story. I decided to start prepping for NaNoWriMo-- it's only a couple months away after all-- since we'll most likely all be stuck in quarantine still and I'll have time for it for the first time in years. And that means finding a name for my protagonist. 

I pulled out my trusted baby name book and started reading, flipping, reading, flipping. Came up with a list of about 15 names for other characters. But this isn't about them.

Gave up and went to the internet to see if babynames.com had anything to spark inspiration. I want a nature-inspired name for my character; it's a fantasy book but she's more hedge witch than flashy. I looked up "forest" and found a lot of names tagged with #naturename. Looked through them. Liked a lot, but none for my character. Took note of a few but my main character's name remains a mystery. But this isn't about her.

Looking through the nature names, there were a lot named after herbs and flowers. A lot. I've been attempting to fill my apartment with plants lately, to feel a little bit of nature, to have some greenery, and to explore magical properties and uses of these plants. Seeing all these herb names got me thinking. Not about my character and story; oh no, those thoughts were long gone. But about the diseased herbs and the disappointment of that. That I'd have to replace them (or give up). So, my fingertips got wandering and after looking at a lot of herb kits and seed packets, ordered a few different packets. Seeds, which I'd wanted to avoid, but better than diseased fully grown plants. 

The seeds I got are: basil, calendula, chamomile, cilantro, echinacea, fennel, hyssop, lavender, lemon balm, lemon mint, parsley, peppermint, rosemary, sage, thyme, and yarrow. But this isn't about them.

These are just seeds and starter grow pots, though, so of course I need full size pots to keep them in after they're out of the seedling stage. Cue another hour of looking at different pots and holders for them. Since Avocado likes to chew on any and every plant he can reach (including fake ones), I really want plant holders that I can hang at the top of the window out of reach of his mouth. I think, ultimately, I'm going to have to make my own shelf of what I'm envisioning, but I need something in the meantime. (And believe me, I've spent many other hours looking for the shelf I want with no luck.) I eventually found some that I actually love, amidst all the white ceramic modern minimalist that's definitely not my style. Purchase. But this isn't about any of that.

An accidental hundred bucks later, I now have a lot of plants, a blog post, and... a character name! This path is a strange one.

City Spirits

In my dreams, I'm a naturalist witch, living in a hut in the woods with my cats, plants, and books, far from everyone else. (I'm naturally an introvert and love isolation, even though I know it's ultimately not the best for my mental health.) But that's my dreams, unlikely to happen and I'd probably hate it in a year or two if it actually did.

In reality, I grew up in the woods of Massachusetts, although I had plenty of neighbors. I spent my childhood running through forests, climbing trees, and eating fresh vegetables from our land. I tumbled down hills of poison ivy (oops) and splashed in creeks. But after college, I moved to the concrete jungle of Chicago, a place with little nature and no connections for me. From the start, I've been at odds with this city-- so different from home, even from the cities we'd spend day trips in. It wasn't an easy transition. Years later, I still yearn to get out.

Chicago, however, has opened my eyes to things I never experienced back east: I went to my first occult shop where my girlfriend liked to buy crystals; I went to fire ceremonies on the beach for the summer solstice; I got my first tarot card reading; I met more witches than I can even point out to this day. The funny thing is, I went to all these places and events and met all these people, but I willfully ignored what it all really was, because I wasn't ready. Looking back, I laugh, because it's all so obvious.

The incongruous feeling of living in Chicago is, ultimately, what led to me accepting my path. Well, Chicago and New Zealand. I went to New Zealand at the end of 2019 (feels like a lifetime ago now) and I've never, in all my travels and all the places I've called home, felt my soul be so at peace. To say something called to me in New Zealand would be wrong-- everything there called out to me. When I returned, I started making plans-- to move back to nature, to recapture the feeling I felt, the spiritual connection with Mother Earth. As with most plans for 2020, these plans of mine are so far upended-- but I examined, really examined, what my soul needed.

I long for the greenery of New Zealand, of my hometown. I desire open spaces and clear skies. I need a lot that Chicago hasn't offered me-- but it has, in the meantime, provided me with something else. It has provided me with a start, the true start to being myself and understanding how my soul speaks. The practical foundation was found here-- learning that there are others like me around here, those who know how to find the magick in city life and introduce me to a ton of mystical, spiritual, or occult stores to shop and ask questions at. Chicago is also a city with a lot of conflict-- racism, classism, and institutionalized violence divide the city mile by mile in very obvious ways. I've spent my time here participating in protests and working for nonprofits to try to heal the city of some of this strife. Without knowing it, this city has provided me with my soul's purpose in more than one way.

I know that the ultimate answer for my soul isn't here. But until I can make that a reality, I'm learning what Chicago's spirit has to teach me, finally. It's only taken about ten years for me to listen to it.

Currently Reading: Seventy-Eight Degrees of Wisdom

I love books. Really, really love books. Not to be all "stereotypical Harry Potter" witch here (fuck terfs btw), but I'm absolutely a Ravenclaw, I love knowledge (and sharing that knowledge!). I also worked as a librarian for a few years (it's my dream job and I'd love to get back to it, if anyone wants to fund my grad school endeavors...), had a home library with 800+ books, and have genuinely read more books than I have any idea of. (I've had a goodreads account from 2006 but only accurately kept up with it since 2012-ish.) I also, even more than being a librarian (or in tandem with), want to be a writer. Maybe one day. But in the meantime, I read. 

When I first accepted this path, I immediately went to research what books I should pick up. Spoilers: there are a lot of books out there, and a lot of different opinions, and honestly it was very overwhelming to wade through it all. But I did see some books with absolutely glowing reviews, and I made note. So, I intend to write about them as I read them. As a note, I believe this whole journey is extremely personal, and what I get out of a book may not resonate with you. That's okay! That's why we're all on different journeys. If these write-ups help you in any way, even if that's to say "This book isn't for me, I'll look elsewhere", then I've done my part.

Up first: Seventy Eight Degrees of Wisdom: A Tarot Journey to Self-Awareness by Rachel Pollack.

I'm very new to reading tarot, and had only had my cards read by friends a few times prior to getting into it... and of course I had absolutely no idea what they were looking at at the time. So, this in-progress review comes from a naive and fresh perspective. Nothing wrong with that, but your mileage may vary. I've also yet to finish the book, or even the major arcana part of the book. Hence "currently reading". That said, I love this book. 

I've been taking my time with it, reading about one card a night when I don't immediately fall asleep. This isn't a quick read or reference guide; while it does have information about how to interpret cards, its main use isn't to be a quick flip-through to find keywords for readings. Instead, it goes through a lot of history of tarot, its origin and uses through the years. Pollack delves in-depth about each card in the major arcana, often spending 5 or more pages on each card.. I haven't gotten to the minor arcana yet, but a quick glance offers a page or two for the minor cards, which is much more than most guides give. She draws on the traditional Rider-Waite cards, sometimes other decks in addition, and a lot of history and symbolism to give each card a detailed interpretation. 

One of the things I especially like about this book is that nothing is "hard and true", and she leaves room for your own interpretations. Some people like this way of reading and some don't, so your mileage may vary. Personally, I'm much more inclined to intuition than memorization, so this sits well with me. She also includes a few paragraphs on reversals for each card; again, not everyone reads reversals, but this information is useful for those who do. (I, personally, struggle with reversals but I'll figure them out eventually.)

One thing to note is that she also dives into numerology to interpret these cards. I have no knowledge or interest in numerology, so I can't say if any of that is accurate or a fresh perspective. Honestly, I most often skip these passages, as none of it makes sense to me nor is it in my particular interest. (Truth be told? I hate numbers and my brain goes "out of focus" when I look at them.) It's another way to interpret the cards, however, if you're interested in numerology or just a deeper understanding of the cards. This information may be useful to me later down the line, but it's not for me with where I'm at at the moment. Still, I think it's important to note. The numerology sections are a paragraph or two of each card's chapter, so you don't miss much by skipping it but might offer plenty of insight to people who are interested.

In addition to learning to read tarot, or learning about the history of tarot, which this book does both of, it's also offered an abundance of nuggets of introspective wisdom in general. A few of my favorite excerpts that really resonated with me: 

"The Fool's wand is black; the others are white. For the unconscious Fool the spirit force remains always in potential, always ready, because he is not consciously directing it. We tend to mis-understand the colour black, seeing it as evil, or negation of life. Rather, black means all things being possible, infinite energy of life before consciousness has constructed any boundaries. When we fear blackness or darkness we fear the deep unconscious source of life itself."

"People often link passive with 'negative' or that is, inferior and weak. But passivity contains its own power. It gives the mind a chance to work. People who only know action never get a chance to reflect on what that action has taught them. In a deeper sense, passivity allows the unconscious to emerge. Only through withdrawal from outer involvement can we allow the inner voice of vision and psychic forces to speak to us. It is precisely to avoid this inner voice that many people never rest from action and movement. Our society, based completely on outer achievement, fosters a terror of the unconscious, yet without its wisdom we can never fully know ourselves or the world."

"Life requires us to make decisions; at the same time each decision, once made, cannot be revoked. It becomes part of us. We are formed by the actions we have taken in the past; we form our future selves by the actions we take now."

Overall, I've really enjoyed this book so far, I've learned a lot from it and feel that its information is going to aid me for a long time, possibly forever, on this journey. I'm really glad I picked it up and recommend it to anyone who may want a deeper knowledge of tarot, as long as you have an open mind. That last bit is key for tarot (and witchcraft) but I make it here especially because I saw a lot of close-minded reviews on Goodreads, including one of the top reviews.

A Question and An Invitation

It all started with a question. Not a simple question, but asked simply all the same. "What do you believe in?" From that conversation, I started really examining my beliefs-- something I hadn't done since I was a teenager.

The funny thing is, I wasn't the recipient of the question. My best friend was visiting over the winter holidays, and we often stay up late having heart-to-heart talks when he visits. He said something off-handed in passing that made me stop and ask, "What do you believe in?" at 3am. I had a hunch, but had never had this conversation with him outright. I let him talk, and we shared some experiences, but I never talked about my own beliefs. The reason for that... is I didn't know what I believed in.

I was raised in a Catholic family but from a very young age, I never felt that was right. I'd have conversations with my father when I was five, seven, ten years old about reincarnation, about goddesses, about finding our own path. My father was Catholic in name and heritage, but we never went to church; I have my suspicions that his true beliefs lay elsewhere. I have nothing but my young conversations with him to support this belief, but this is my story, not his.

My own story about my Catholicism is long and complicated, but it boils down to this: for years, for most of my childhood, I knew I had no faith in God, Jesus, the Catholic Church. But I tried to be Good; I dragged my family to church, volunteered for church activities, was a model Catholic in my actions. I believed that if I was Good Enough, I would find that faith. I never did. When I was fifteen, my dad died. Shortly after, I made Confirmation in the church (where you're seen as an adult in the eyes of the Catholic Church), and accepted, finally, that I had no belief in it. The day I was confirmed as a Catholic was the day I walked out of the church and never looked back.

From that point on, I tried different religions. I admired the rituals of the Catholic masses, and longed for the community our little church gave us. I attended a Baptist church for a few years, and again loved the community but the faith didn't stick. I looked into Buddhism for years, but never got further than adapting some philosophies to help me grow as a better person. Through a friend in my feminist group, I attended my college's Wicca group for the winter solstice, but didn't click with them like I expected. As a literature major, I studied Arthuriana and Greek mythology and was more drawn to these "legends" than anything else I'd encountered. Feeling I'd be laughed at for expressing that, I pushed it away. (My lifelong interest in Arthuriana could be a whole other blog post. Probably will be.)

For over ten years, I convinced myself that I was an atheist. I was an atheist. I had no belief, and that's just how it was. I believed (and still do) in being a good person, not to be Good for faith but because you just should be. I've tried to be the best person I can be, and I'm always trying to better myself. Everyone's a work in progress, but if I can make the world and my friends' lives a little bit better than not, then I've done my part. I don't need eternal damnation or salvation or the promise of reincarnation into a better life to make me be good. That's what I believed in. This is still what I believe in.

"What do you believe in?" I asked my friend, and I listened, and I thought, and I grew the spark that I had been suppressing my entire life. I believe in nature and spirit and energy that we can't even begin to imagine. I believe in the universe constantly surprising us, because there's absolutely no way for us to know everything that it holds. I believe in putting good out into the world, and I believe that that good will come back to you when you need it. I believe in balance, in making changes, in doing the right thing because it's right.

I believe in witchcraft. This is my walk along the witch's path, a path I've stepped on and off many times before now but am now wandering down deliberately. It's my journey, but I invite you to walk alongside me, at least for a little while, as I explore it.